by Anna Bee
This was too good not to repost.
Hipster Christians, I’m going to help you out. I see you are grasping at something, trying to find the ironic Church of your dreams, where men can grow beards of foolish proportions and women can dress like their grannies’ grannies, a place where scarves are worn in every unfashionable fashion imaginable, a place where people do shots and eat hummus at community gatherings, enjoy rooms filled with a fog of incense and prefer to read books that pre-date industrialisation.
I would like to direct your attention to “The Orthodox Church.”
We Orthodox were Christians before it was cool. We started following the Apostles’ teachings hardcore before the Bible was even written. Actually, we read the books of the Bible before they were officially published. And not to brag or anything, but we spoke in tongues before it was “a thing.” Stuff like that.
In addition to enjoying long beards, drinking and the occasional cigarette, we are super mellow. This is called being “dispassionate” but you will simply recognize it as being extremely cool…without trying too hard. You know what I mean.
We do enjoy the ringing of Church bells, but we prefer the more organic tone that is produced from hammering a piece of wood – oh, you’ve never heard of that? Check out this track then; it’s so raw, you’ll love it.
We Orthodox don’t need to explore “vintage faith;” we invented vintage faith, but it wasn’t called vintage back then, it was just called “faith.”
Why oh Hipster Christian do you keep on seeing but do not perceive? The Orthodox Church IS the authentic Christian experience. And seriously, you would fit right in (although if you decide to attend long-term, the priest is going to ask you to stop wearing skinny jeans to liturgy – the handlebar moustache can stay, however.)
Oh, and we don’t just drink coffee after liturgy, we drink Turkish coffee. It’s pretty good.
Yes, that’s right, we say call our gatherings “liturgy” instead of “church” and sometimes we use other more obscure terms such as vespers, akathist and orthros. You should come to vespers sometime, Hipster Christian. Then you could hear “Lord I Call” in the eighth tone – oh you haven’t heard of that either….?
Really, you should be Orthodox. Because some day calling your parish a “tribe” and having Sunday meetings at a pub will be completely overdone, yet the Orthodox Church will still be operating in this world as
unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things. (2 Cor 6:9-10)
I think the church you are looking for has been there all along. Ironic, isn’t it?
Oh, that you would bear with me in a little folly—and indeed you do bear with me. For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. For if he who comes preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or if you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted—you may well put up with it! 2 Corinthians 11:1-4
S. Eugene Cohlmia says
Father J: I love what U have done with this site and the articles!!! God Bless U 4 ur work 4 U R a Loved one Of Our Master!
Fr. John says
Eugene, please consider supporting JTO as a donor or member. Go HERE to donate, and remember us in your holy prayers.
Marianne Poulos says
This was absolutely funny. In the 80s I was probably one of the few hipsters at church, now, wow, things are looking UP…
Well written hilarity! Love the smugness we all seem to be just a little bit guilty of. Count me as one of your newest fans.
bint alshamsa says
My daughter and I were just received as catechumens at our local Russian Orthodox church. We aren’t Russian. Hey, what can I say? Hipsters love “foreign” cultures. I often chide my daughter about her hipster tendencies, so I just had to wake her up tonight to read this article. It was wonderful! She immediately reposted it on her facebook.
The Itinerant Mind says
This may be the greatest thing I have ever read. Ever. One more “oh, you haven’t heard of that,” and I might have hyperventilated.
I don’t mean to be rude–I am just honestly asking. Were you being serious about the “In addition to enjoying long beards, drinking and the occasional cigarette..” I mean, serious about enjoying drinking & the occasional cigarette? I am looking into Orthodoxy, but I am a bit confused as to this. I thought Orthodox would warn away from strong drink, & also wouldn’t encourage smoking, to keep our temples pure, etc. This is honestly a bit off-putting to me. I just don’t know if you were serious about this or not, & if you are, can you please explain…Thank you.