You Should Be Orthodox: Part One

by Anna Bee

This was too good not to repost.

Hipster Christians, I’m going to help you out.  I see you are grasping at something, trying to find the ironic Church of your dreams, where men can grow beards of foolish proportions and women can dress like their grannies’ grannies, a place where scarves are worn in every unfashionable fashion imaginable, a place where people do shots and eat hummus at community gatherings, enjoy rooms filled with a fog of incense and prefer to read books that pre-date industrialisation.

I would like to direct your attention to “The Orthodox Church.”

We Orthodox were Christians before it was cool. We started following the Apostles’ teachings hardcore before the Bible was even written. Actually, we read the books of the Bible before they were officially published.  And not to brag or anything, but we spoke in tongues before it was “a thing.”  Stuff like that.

In addition to enjoying long beards, drinking and the occasional cigarette, we are super mellow.  This is called being “dispassionate” but you will simply recognize it as being extremely cool…without trying too hard.  You know what I mean.

We’ve always been ahead of the game—whether it’s our understanding of ancient wisdom or just living life in the smoothest, most effortless way possible. The art of taking it easy, not stressing over the little things, and going with the flow is something we’ve perfected. In the same way we’ve embraced centuries of tradition with a calm and collected demeanor, we also appreciate things that help us unwind and enjoy life without the fuss.

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We do enjoy the ringing of Church bells, but we prefer the more organic tone that is produced from hammering a piece of wood – oh, you’ve never heard of that?  Check out this track then; it’s so raw, you’ll love it.

We Orthodox don’t need to explore “vintage faith;” we invented vintage faith, but it wasn’t called vintage back then, it was just called “faith.”

Why oh Hipster Christian do you keep on seeing but do not perceive?  The Orthodox Church IS the authentic Christian experience. And seriously, you would fit right in (although if you decide to attend long-term, the priest is going to ask you to stop wearing skinny jeans to liturgy – the handlebar moustache can stay, however.)

Oh, and we don’t just drink coffee after liturgy, we drink Turkish coffee.  It’s pretty good.

Yes, that’s right, we say call our gatherings “liturgy” instead of “church” and sometimes we use other more obscure terms such as vespers, akathist and orthros. You should come to vespers sometime, Hipster Christian. Then you could hear “Lord I Call” in the eighth tone – oh you haven’t heard of that either….?

Really, you should be Orthodox.  Because some day calling your parish a “tribe” and having Sunday meetings at a pub will be completely overdone, yet the Orthodox Church will still be operating in this world as 

unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things. (2 Cor 6:9-10)

I think the church you are looking for has been there all along.  Ironic, isn’t it?

Oh, that you would bear with me in a little folly—and indeed you do bear with me. For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. For if he who comes preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or if you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted—you may well put up with it!  2 Corinthians 11:1-4

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